Monday, December 22, 2008

The Door.

Even though I spent most of the weekend on the couch, I didn't see my dad that much. The Cowboys lost on Saturday night, so he boycotted football for the rest of the weekend.

Since I have nothing new to report, I thought I'd share one of my favorite stories...

Dad goes out partying with his friends on a Saturday night. In the morning he has to drive Grandma Hays to church because she doesn't know how to drive. They pull up to a stop sign and they both look over to the ditch where my dad's best friend, Roy's car is abandoned and parked. 

Grandma Hays turns to Dad and says: David? Why'd you pee on the door last night?
Dad: What door?
Grandma Hays: My bedroom door.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


I'm watching Anchorman.

Dad: This is the only one of his movies I think is funny.
Me: Oh, you've seen it?
Dad: Yeah. He seems to like kissing guys.


While trimming dead leaves from a plant in the living room.

Dad: You know a tree has an IQ of 8.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Philip Seymour Hoffman was on the Daily Show tonight. He was really fat.

Me: Wow he's really fat. The first movie I saw him in he jacked off and used his come to attach pictures to the wall.
Dad: Huh. Well, he was probably just acting...
Me: Yeah, probably.
Dad: the direction of some pervert.


I was decorating the tree and showed Dad the ornament I made last year.

Me: This is the ornament I made last year. (pause) It's a vagina.
Dad: I probably would've figured that out is one of my favorite things.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

The original version of The Day the Earth Stood Still is my dad's favorite movie. I've heard the story about the first time he saw it (several times). He was only a few years old at a drive-in with his parents. He remembers standing in the car and leaning over the seat watching the movie.

So, he's been obsessing over this new version for some time now. He was happy to hear when they retooled the robot. 

Dad: (in a very "fatherly" tone) So, we need to talk about this weekend...
Me: Ok. (I have no idea where this is going. I think maybe he wants to talk about the ornament decorating party I'm having, but can't figure out why he'd want to talk about that.)
Dad: Friday is when The Day the Earth Stood Still comes out.
Me: Oh, right!
Dad: And I'm wondering how I'll determine if I should see it. I don't like Keanu Reeves......for anything.
Me: Yeah.
Dad: I was thinking, if you have some friends who go see it and they tell you it's good......they're wrong.
Me: (laughs)
Dad: I mean if it's a good as Iron Man, I'll go see it. Because Iron Man was funny. I liked Iron Man. But if it's as good as the Incredible Hulk, I think I'll pass. 

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Your Mom.

Dad: You know your mom was 120 lbs. and 6 foot tall when I met her.


Dad: I think we burned those pictures.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Wheel of Fortune

Most weeknights I watch Wheel of Fortune with my dad. He doesn't understand Same Name or Before & After puzzles. His commentary this evening went like this.

After the Phase puzzle: A cat has nine lives
Dad: That's not a phrase.

After a Prize puzzle when a girl whens a trip to Cancun.
Dad: Oh, don't go there! That's the only place I've ever been sunburnt...and their TV sucks.

After a Food & Beverage puzzle: Spinach Salad
Dad: What?!? (as though spinach salad isn't real)

At the end of the show one guy didn't solve any puzzles.
Dad: Ha! Too bad you're a dumb ass.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

High School

So, I usually text myself a little message as my dad is telling me a story, in hopes that I'll remember it later and put it up here.

I don't remember the whole story behind this, but I'm sure I'll hear it again later. I believe he was talking about drinking in high school. One guy was really drunk, hanging out the window...

Dad: So, I pulled him back in and he said, "All I could see was the ditch til you grabbed my ass."

News Anchor

I've tried to find a picture of the news anchorwoman my dad was talking about, but I can't. My whole life he's always talked about symmetrical faces. The distance from your eyes to the top of your head should be the same as the distance from your eyes to your chin. The news anchorwoman did not have this symmetry.

Dad: Look at how far it is to the top of her head.
Me: (Knowing exactly where this is going) Uh huh.
Dad: Someone should tell her she's overstepped her bounds.

Sleeping Bag

My roommate and I spent all day at the vet with one of my cats. We came home to crash on the couches for a few minutes. My dad was watching TV and was very excited to show us something.

Dad: I was going through my crap.
Me: Uh huh.
Dad: I found that. (Points to rolled up sleeping bag) You can use it if you ever want to go to an outside event.
Me: An outside event? Like in the winter?
Dad: (Gets up and starts to unroll it) Yeah. I slept in this thing in 40 degree weather. See, you just unroll it and climb in.
Me: Ok.
Dad: It's made of goose down...and this other stuff. (Talking to my roommate, Cori) Cori, you can use it, too. It would be good for an outside event.
Cori: So, it's like a cocoon?
Dad: Yes, like a cocoon.

Grilled Ham & Cheese

I'm making pasta and Dad comes into the kitchen.

Dad: I was just going to offer to make you a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.
Me: Oh?
Dad: It's like grilled cheese......but with ham in it.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Dad: My pervert days are over...gone.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


Dad: You know, when I was 12 me and this other guy made up our own alphabet so we could pass notes in class.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Cat noise.

In reference to Jack the Cat (JTC) making too much noise...

Dad: Anyway...I bitch, I complain...that's how I am.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Huey Lewis, #1 Fan.

Last night over Chinese food my dad tells me (and Joe Kramer, of my post-Second City friendships), "You know, I was one of the first fans of Huey Lewis and the News."

I'm sure I had a confused look on my face because I'd never heard him say this before. And we talk about Huey Lewis and the News a lot. Yes, seriously.

JK: What do you mean? Weren't they a bar band first?
(I shot Joe a look, like "please don't question him.")
Dad: No, I mean I was one of his very first fans. and this other guy. We had their first album, Picture This. We were on a trip and we walked into a Penny's.
JK: Like a JC Penny's?
Dad: Yeah, you could do that back then. We asked the girl there, "What's a good album?" And she said, "Huey Lewis and the News." So, we bought it. And she was right. We listened to that album for the whole trip, for two weeks straight. We wore the tape out.


I'd also like to note that upon first meeting, my dad usually doesn't say much. 
When he met my college friend, Lee:

Lee: Hi, I'm Lee.
Dad: Decent name.

However, he talked in front of Joe a lot last night. It was kind of strange. He talked just slightly less than he was talking before Joe arrived. Maybe the combination of Monday Night Football, Chinese Food and the Champagne of Beers brought it out of him. 

Monday, November 10, 2008

Living situation.

Dad: You know it's kind of funny that I'm here.
Me: Yeah?
Dad: Yeah, it's a little odd.


Today I wore skinny jeans tucked inside my new knee-high black boots.

Dad: Nice boots.
Me: Thanks!
Dad: I didn't mean that.
Me: Right.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Monsters & Farts

While watching Hellboy, Dad says, "Why do monsters have to be slimey? Everythings gotta drip. Can't there be dry bad guys?"

After Huey (my kitten) farts:
Dad: "You know, the average person farts 14 times a day."
Me: "Huh."
Dad: "I heard that on Oprah."

Friday, November 7, 2008

Shoulder Ride.

Last night I sat down to watch Two and A Half Men with my dad. I hate to admit this show cracks me up, but it does. I was telling him about the Obama Rally. 

I said, "Jess climbed up on top of Jeff's shoulders and took pictures of the crowd."
He said, "Huh."
I said, "It was so neat just being there--"
He interrupted with, "Last time I had a girl on my shoulders...she was naked......"
I replied, "Ha!"
Then he said, "Come to think of it, I was naked, too."

Ahh, these are the conversations I have with my dad. No fucking wonder. 

I'm 29 and my dad lives in the basement.

My dad left his wife and came for a visit. That was in July. He hasn't left yet.