Tuesday, February 17, 2009

How was your day?

Dad: How was your day?
Me: It was ok.
Dad: Ask me how my day was.
Me: Dad, how was your day?
Dad: I don't want to talk about it.

(long pause)

Dad: Your stepmom tried to burn the house down.

Turns out the dryer caught fire and she threw water on it.
Also, my pregnant stepsister was beat up again by her husband. Then he ran out...on foot. They think she's going to lose a tooth from it.

Ahh, how I don't miss home.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Wrestler

Dad: You know, Joe disappointed me when he recommended The Wrestler.
Me: Oh?
Dad: Yeah, he failed to mention Marisa Tomei is naked in it.

(A few minutes later.)

Dad: Marisa Tomei is 45.
Me: 45? Really?
Dad: She was born in '64. She looks good. (pause) She could've won me.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

It's getting to him.

Dad: I think Wheel of Fortune is getting to me. Remember that puzzle "SHIRTS AND SKINS?" Well, I had a dream the other night. It was about a game called "PANTS AND PANTIES."

Then we exchanged disgusted looks after a maxi pad commercial.

I love my dad.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


Last Friday...
Dad: You're staying home on a Friday night to paint?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: I don't want to tell you what to do, but it's Friday night you should go out.

This Friday night...
Dad: What are you doing tonight (pause) paint?
Me: (laughing) No.
Dad: Are you sure? It's Friday night.
Me: No, Jess and Jeff are coming over. We're going out.
Dad: Ahh.

(Several minutes later)

Dad: So, Jess and Jeff are coming over?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: To help you paint?

Friday, February 6, 2009


I was standing in the kitchen cleaning off my boots. Dad walks in to get a beer from the fridge.

Me: Are you sniffling?
Dad: Syphilis? I don't want syphilis.

Monday, February 2, 2009


Dad: I'll only drink as much as I possibly can.