Tuesday, October 27, 2009


My stepsister recently had a little boy. They live with my dad and his wife. He's never been around a baby this much in his entire life.

Dad: I walked over to his crib and he was just laying in there crying, so I said, "Crybaby."

Monday, August 10, 2009


Dad: I'm not a Republican. I just vote like one.


Emailed my dad to let him know I'd be stopping by the house on Sunday. I was excited to see my first cat, Phoebe.

Me: Tell Phoebe I'll be there on Sunday.
Dad: She has been informed.

Monday, April 13, 2009

The end.

Well, he's gone. We had a nice drive to St. Louis. 

While listening to Paul Simon, he turned it up and said, "This almost makes me wish I had rhythm." We also listened to a Mitch Hedberg stand-up CD. He enjoyed that as well. 

Driving past a bus stop on Western Ave...
Dad: She must be a detective.
Me: That one in the leather jacket?
Dad: Yeah. She's wearing heels. All the female detectives on TV wear heels.  

When we got to St. Louis, we went to O'Connell's to eat. I have to say this way the perfect ending to our 10  months together. Sitting in a big wooden booth at my favorite bar in  St. Louis, drinking beer and eating burgers with my dad.

Now, I think I may have to start a blog about all the crazy shit my mom says to me on the phone. She had a great line this weekend. 

Saturday, April 11, 2009


Me: Hey, Dad. Are you excited for our road trip?
Dad: (sigh) Have you ever really seen me excited?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Last night I was in the kitchen making dinner. Joe was on his way over. Dad comes in the kitchen, scares the shit out of me, and then sits down to talk about this Paul Simon/Steve Martin audio clip I sent him earlier in the day.

Joe shows up and walks in the kitchen. 

Dad: Hi, Joe. (pause) You know, I've known her (me) a lot longer than you. In fact, I bet I've seen her naked more than you have.

Monday, April 6, 2009


Huey knocked over my Macbook this morning. The screen is fucked. I told Dad about this...

Dad: I think that would make me despondent for about 20 minutes.

It's official.

I'm renting a car and moving my dad home to St. Louis on Friday. So, I guess I'll try to get what I can out of him this week. 

Sunday, April 5, 2009


While watching a commercial for Activia.

Dad: What is yogurt? A milk product?

Thursday, April 2, 2009


I'm a little sad. 
Dad is thinking about moving in with my sister in St. Louis.


We were talking about a woman who didn't age so gracefully.

Dad: I'd hit on me before I'd hit on her.
Me: I think that would make you gay.


Dad: I shaved my mustache once. (pause) About 30 years ago. (pause) I think I was in high school.  (long pause) Or maybe it was 7th grade.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


Me: Do you need a beer, Dad?
Dad: No. It's a want.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Well, shit.

Went home with a friend this weekend. And she pulled out this drawing from college. In on quadrant, she was asked to draw the most disgusting thing she could think of.

She drew someone pooping.

I showed this picture to my dad when I got home.

First he said, "I don't think I like Jess anymore."


Dad: Ok, I've got a story for you. I was camping with a few friends. Mark you know; and Fred you don't know. And they both confessed that they'd put a mirror under their asses to watch themselves poop.
Me: Ugh!!!! Gross!!!!!
Dad: Yeah, can you believe it. Out of the whole world, two guys did that and I know 'em both.


Friday, March 27, 2009


As I was walking out the door this morning...

Dad: Hey, kid. 
Me: Yeah?
Dad: In case I don't say it enough, I really appreciate everything you do for me.
Me: Do you need money?
Dad: No.

Then this afternoon he added me as a Facebook friend. 
I love my dad.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

Battlestar Galactica

Friday was the series finale of Battlestar Galactica. My best friend, Jess, came home to find her fiance watching the show without her. He was an hour in, said it was good and told her to watch the rest of it with him. He did not understand what a foul this was.

I told my dad the story.

Dad: How old is he?
Me: He's my age.
Dad: Huh. So his brain is should be fully developed.

Sunday, March 8, 2009


Got up this morning.
Made some coffee.
Dad walks in the kitchen.

Dad: You have the day off?
Me: What?
Dad: You took the day off?
Me: It's Sunday.
Dad: No, it's Monday.
Me: No, it's Sunday. (pause) I swear.
Dad: Really?
Me: Yeah. Yesterday was Saturday. I had people over on Friday.
Dad: Huh. I figured this would happen.
Me: Well, you don't have football to tell you what day it is.
Dad: True. And it's not like basketball is going to help me with that.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Breaking Bad.

Will recommended that I start watching Breaking Bad. I really like it, so I decided to tell Dad about it. Turns out he already watched the first season. We sat and talked about our favorite weird, little scenes and quotes.

He's so cool.
I don't know what he'd do in the basement if he didn't download torrents. 


Thursday, March 5, 2009

Poor Little Huey.

I took Huey to get neutered yesterday. He had started trying to mount Jack the cat. Dad, of course, was a little sad about "the castration."

This evening he asked...

Dad: So, what did the vet look like?
Me: I don't know. I took him to this place in the ghetto. The guy that checked to make sure Huey's testicles had dropped was a black guy with curly, oily hair.
Dad: Hmm. Because he won't come near me. I thought maybe the person who did this to him looked like me.

It was so cute. Dad was a little sad that Huey has been avoiding him.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

How was your day?

Dad: How was your day?
Me: It was ok.
Dad: Ask me how my day was.
Me: Dad, how was your day?
Dad: I don't want to talk about it.

(long pause)

Dad: Your stepmom tried to burn the house down.

Turns out the dryer caught fire and she threw water on it.
Also, my pregnant stepsister was beat up again by her husband. Then he ran out...on foot. They think she's going to lose a tooth from it.

Ahh, how I don't miss home.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Wrestler

Dad: You know, Joe disappointed me when he recommended The Wrestler.
Me: Oh?
Dad: Yeah, he failed to mention Marisa Tomei is naked in it.

(A few minutes later.)

Dad: Marisa Tomei is 45.
Me: 45? Really?
Dad: She was born in '64. She looks good. (pause) She could've won me.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

It's getting to him.

Dad: I think Wheel of Fortune is getting to me. Remember that puzzle "SHIRTS AND SKINS?" Well, I had a dream the other night. It was about a game called "PANTS AND PANTIES."

Then we exchanged disgusted looks after a maxi pad commercial.

I love my dad.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


Last Friday...
Dad: You're staying home on a Friday night to paint?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: I don't want to tell you what to do, but it's Friday night you should go out.

This Friday night...
Dad: What are you doing tonight (pause) paint?
Me: (laughing) No.
Dad: Are you sure? It's Friday night.
Me: No, Jess and Jeff are coming over. We're going out.
Dad: Ahh.

(Several minutes later)

Dad: So, Jess and Jeff are coming over?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: To help you paint?

Friday, February 6, 2009


I was standing in the kitchen cleaning off my boots. Dad walks in to get a beer from the fridge.

Me: Are you sniffling?
Dad: Syphilis? I don't want syphilis.

Monday, February 2, 2009


Dad: I'll only drink as much as I possibly can.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


While making dinner last night, Dad was asking about Joe. 

Me: Well, he's not my boyfriend. I don't really want a boyfriend right now.
Dad: Yeah, me neither.

Monday, January 26, 2009

A dog.

Tonight he says to me and Cori...

Dad: Do you guys want a dog?
Me: No. Why?
Dad: Tina (his wife that he left, but has to talk to every day) thinks she might get rid of one of the dogs.
Me: Why don't you ask Ari (my sister) if she wants a dog?
Dad: I wouldn't do that to a dog.

Watching Letterman.

While watching Letterman tonight, Brian Willams came out.

Dad: Now, he knows how to tie a tie. Do you know how to tie a tie?
Me: No. I tied one once after looking it up on the internet.
Dad: Some guys don't know how to tie a tie. They do it crooked.
Dad: I used to have a tie once.

Third time's a charm.

Again, he told me...

Dad: Nice boots.

I wonder how long this is going to go on.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Butt Licker

So, all 3 of my cats lick each other's asses. I don't know why they do it, but if they do it in front of me I yell at them. Huey, the youngest has been caught doing it a lot lately. Jack the cat will be laying there trying to sleep and Huey will jump on the bed to lick his butt. Jack gets annoyed and I want to puke.

While watching the AFC championship game last night...

Me: Huey is the worst butt licker ever. I catch him doing it all the time.
Dad: Maybe he's the best butt licker ever. (pause) You're too judgmental. 

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Little Sweaters

Dad: When you used to get high, did you ever feel like your teeth had tiny little sweaters on them?
Me: Yes.
Dad: So, it's wasn't just me...

NFC Game

While watching the NFC Championship game this afternoon, some Eagles player knocked Kurt Warner down after a play.

Dad: I'd like to take his head and shove it up his ass and put him in the trash.

For some reason I really like the "and put him in the trash" part.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Tegan & Sara

The other day Dad asked who the girl on the fridge magnet was with my haircut. I said, "That's Tegan & Sara. They're the reason I got this haircut."

Then last night while I was making dinner...

Me: This one is Tegan and this one is Sara. They're twins.
Dad: Huh.
Me: They have a band. They're twin lesbians.
Dad: Do they have a website?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Ski Jacket

I was getting ready to leave for work this morning when my phone rang. I look at it, it says "Dad." I think, "Isn't he in the basement?"

I answer it, and it's him--I can hear him talking right below me. He tells me that he's already been outside today and it's very cold out there. He says he left his extra ski jacket on the coat rack in case I want to wear it over what I'm already wearing.

It was really sweet.

Earlier this week, he got up early to shovel the walkway for me. Then I didn't go to work that day. I'm a horrible daughter. Well, maybe not. I did bring him a 12-pack of High Life the night before. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Here's another old pic.

Teaching an old man new tricks.

Tonight the CBS news had a story about the surprising number of people in the United States who have been victims of stalking.

Dad: Hmm...stalking. I haven't tried that.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


After watching this promo for the Fox show Bones:

Dad said: That looks gay.

Crowning Achievement.

While watching the Eagles/Giants game this afternoon, Dad and I were talking about getting high.

Dad: I think my crowning achievement was shoving 27 Pringles in my mouth at one time. (pause) Talk about cotton mouth.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


Dad: Thanks for the popcorn...I'm having fun with it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Oh, and...

He told me "nice boots" again.
There was no follow-up insult this time, but I still don't believe he meant it.


I think I've mentioned my dad's cravings before. Here's what he requested from the grocery store this week:

-Frozen Shrimp
-Cheese Popcorn
-Beer (although he said this was for my cat, Huey)

P.S. I've been away for the holidays, but I've returned with old pictures of my dad to scan in. Coming soon!