Boyfriends.

While making dinner last night, Dad was asking about Joe. 

Me: Well, he's not my boyfriend. I don't really want a boyfriend right now.

Dad: Yeah, me neither.

A dog.

Tonight he says to me and Cori...

Dad: Do you guys want a dog?
Me: No. Why?
Dad: Tina (his wife that he left, but has to talk to every day) thinks she might get rid of one of the dogs.
Me: Why don't you ask Ari (my sister) if she wants a dog?

Dad: I wouldn't do that to a dog.

Watching Letterman.

While watching Letterman tonight, Brian Willams came out.

Dad: Now, he knows how to tie a tie. Do you know how to tie a tie?
Me: No. I tied one once after looking it up on the internet.
Dad: Some guys don't know how to tie a tie. They do it crooked.
(PAUSE)
Dad: I used to have a tie once.

Third time's a charm.

Again, he told me...

Dad: Nice boots.

I wonder how long this is going to go on.

Butt Licker

So, all 3 of my cats lick each other's asses. I don't know why they do it, but if they do it in front of me I yell at them. Huey, the youngest has been caught doing it a lot lately. Jack the cat will be laying there trying to sleep and Huey will jump on the bed to lick his butt. Jack gets annoyed and I want to puke.

While watching the AFC championship game last night...

Me: Huey is the worst butt licker ever. I catch him doing it all the time.

Dad: Maybe he's the best butt licker ever. (pause) You're too judgmental. 

Little Sweaters

Dad: When you used to get high, did you ever feel like your teeth had tiny little sweaters on them?
Me: Yes.
Dad: So, it's wasn't just me...

NFC Game

While watching the NFC Championship game this afternoon, some Eagles player knocked Kurt Warner down after a play.

Dad: I'd like to take his head and shove it up his ass and put him in the trash.

For some reason I really like the "and put him in the trash" part.