Boyfriends.

While making dinner last night, Dad was asking about Joe. 

Me: Well, he's not my boyfriend. I don't really want a boyfriend right now.

Dad: Yeah, me neither.

A dog.

Tonight he says to me and Cori...

Dad: Do you guys want a dog?
Me: No. Why?
Dad: Tina (his wife that he left, but has to talk to every day) thinks she might get rid of one of the dogs.
Me: Why don't you ask Ari (my sister) if she wants a dog?

Dad: I wouldn't do that to a dog.

Watching Letterman.

While watching Letterman tonight, Brian Willams came out.

Dad: Now, he knows how to tie a tie. Do you know how to tie a tie?
Me: No. I tied one once after looking it up on the internet.
Dad: Some guys don't know how to tie a tie. They do it crooked.
(PAUSE)
Dad: I used to have a tie once.

Third time's a charm.

Again, he told me...

Dad: Nice boots.

I wonder how long this is going to go on.

Butt Licker

So, all 3 of my cats lick each other's asses. I don't know why they do it, but if they do it in front of me I yell at them. Huey, the youngest has been caught doing it a lot lately. Jack the cat will be laying there trying to sleep and Huey will jump on the bed to lick his butt. Jack gets annoyed and I want to puke.

While watching the AFC championship game last night...

Me: Huey is the worst butt licker ever. I catch him doing it all the time.

Dad: Maybe he's the best butt licker ever. (pause) You're too judgmental. 

Little Sweaters

Dad: When you used to get high, did you ever feel like your teeth had tiny little sweaters on them?
Me: Yes.
Dad: So, it's wasn't just me...

NFC Game

While watching the NFC Championship game this afternoon, some Eagles player knocked Kurt Warner down after a play.

Dad: I'd like to take his head and shove it up his ass and put him in the trash.

For some reason I really like the "and put him in the trash" part.

Tegan & Sara

The other day Dad asked who the girl on the fridge magnet was with my haircut. I said, "That's Tegan & Sara. They're the reason I got this haircut."

Then last night while I was making dinner...

Me: This one is Tegan and this one is Sara. They're twins.
Dad: Huh.
Me: They have a band. They're twin lesbians.
Dad: Do they have a website?

Ski Jacket

I was getting ready to leave for work this morning when my phone rang. I look at it, it says "Dad." I think, "Isn't he in the basement?"

I answer it, and it's him--I can hear him talking right below me. He tells me that he's already been outside today and it's very cold out there. He says he left his extra ski jacket on the coat rack in case I want to wear it over what I'm already wearing.

It was really sweet.

Earlier this week, he got up early to shovel the walkway for me. Then I didn't go to work that day. I'm a horrible daughter. Well, maybe not. I did bring him a 12-pack of High Life the night before. 

Awwww.

Here's another old pic.

Teaching an old man new tricks.

Tonight the CBS news had a story about the surprising number of people in the United States who have been victims of stalking.

Dad: Hmm...stalking. I haven't tried that.

Bones.

After watching this promo for the Fox show Bones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkolALAtKnk

Dad said: That looks gay.

Crowning Achievement.

While watching the Eagles/Giants game this afternoon, Dad and I were talking about getting high.

Dad: I think my crowning achievement was shoving 27 Pringles in my mouth at one time. (pause) Talk about cotton mouth.

Here he is.

Popcorn

Dad: Thanks for the popcorn...I'm having fun with it.

Oh, and...

He told me "nice boots" again.

There was no follow-up insult this time, but I still don't believe he meant it.

Cravings

I think I've mentioned my dad's cravings before. Here's what he requested from the grocery store this week:

-Carrots

-Frozen Shrimp

-Cheese Popcorn

-Beer (although he said this was for my cat, Huey)

P.S. I've been away for the holidays, but I've returned with old pictures of my dad to scan in. Coming soon!