The Door.

Even though I spent most of the weekend on the couch, I didn't see my dad that much. The Cowboys lost on Saturday night, so he boycotted football for the rest of the weekend.

Since I have nothing new to report, I thought I'd share one of my favorite stories...

Dad goes out partying with his friends on a Saturday night. In the morning he has to drive Grandma Hays to church because she doesn't know how to drive. They pull up to a stop sign and they both look over to the ditch where my dad's best friend, Roy's car is abandoned and parked. 

Grandma Hays turns to Dad and says: David? Why'd you pee on the door last night?

Dad: What door?

Grandma Hays: My bedroom door.

Anchorman

I'm watching Anchorman.

Dad: This is the only one of his movies I think is funny.
Me: Oh, you've seen it?
Dad: Yeah. He seems to like kissing guys.

Tree

While trimming dead leaves from a plant in the living room.

Dad: You know a tree has an IQ of 8.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Philip Seymour Hoffman was on the Daily Show tonight. He was really fat.

Me: Wow he's really fat. The first movie I saw him in he jacked off and used his come to attach pictures to the wall.
Dad: Huh. Well, he was probably just acting...
Me: Yeah, probably.
Dad: ...at the direction of some pervert.

Ornaments

I was decorating the tree and showed Dad the ornament I made last year.

Me: This is the ornament I made last year. (pause) It's a vagina.
Dad: I probably would've figured that out eventually......it is one of my favorite things.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

The original version of The Day the Earth Stood Still is my dad's favorite movie. I've heard the story about the first time he saw it (several times). He was only a few years old at a drive-in with his parents. He remembers standing in the car and leaning over the seat watching the movie.

So, he's been obsessing over this new version for some time now. He was happy to hear when they retooled the robot. 

Dad: (in a very "fatherly" tone) So, we need to talk about this weekend...

Me: Ok. (I have no idea where this is going. I think maybe he wants to talk about the ornament decorating party I'm having, but can't figure out why he'd want to talk about that.)

Dad: Friday is when The Day the Earth Stood Still comes out.

Me: Oh, right!

Dad: And I'm wondering how I'll determine if I should see it. I don't like Keanu Reeves......for anything.

Me: Yeah.

Dad: I was thinking, if you have some friends who go see it and they tell you it's good......they're wrong.

Me: (laughs)

Dad: I mean if it's a good as Iron Man, I'll go see it. Because Iron Man was funny. I liked Iron Man. But if it's as good as the Incredible Hulk, I think I'll pass. 

Your Mom.

Dad: You know your mom was 120 lbs. and 6 foot tall when I met her.

(LONG REFLECTIVE  PAUSE)

Dad: I think we burned those pictures.

Wheel of Fortune

Most weeknights I watch Wheel of Fortune with my dad. He doesn't understand Same Name or Before & After puzzles. His commentary this evening went like this.

After the Phase puzzle: A cat has nine lives
Dad: That's not a phrase.

After a Prize puzzle when a girl whens a trip to Cancun.
Dad: Oh, don't go there! That's the only place I've ever been sunburnt...and their TV sucks.

After a Food & Beverage puzzle: Spinach Salad
Dad: What?!? (as though spinach salad isn't real)

At the end of the show one guy didn't solve any puzzles.
Dad: Ha! Too bad you're a dumb ass.

High School

So, I usually text myself a little message as my dad is telling me a story, in hopes that I'll remember it later and put it up here.

I don't remember the whole story behind this, but I'm sure I'll hear it again later. I believe he was talking about drinking in high school. One guy was really drunk, hanging out the window...

Dad: So, I pulled him back in and he said, "All I could see was the ditch til you grabbed my ass."

News Anchor

I've tried to find a picture of the news anchorwoman my dad was talking about, but I can't. My whole life he's always talked about symmetrical faces. The distance from your eyes to the top of your head should be the same as the distance from your eyes to your chin. The news anchorwoman did not have this symmetry.

Dad: Look at how far it is to the top of her head.
Me: (Knowing exactly where this is going) Uh huh.
Dad: Someone should tell her she's overstepped her bounds.

Sleeping Bag

My roommate and I spent all day at the vet with one of my cats. We came home to crash on the couches for a few minutes. My dad was watching TV and was very excited to show us something.

Dad: I was going through my crap.
Me: Uh huh.
Dad: I found that. (Points to rolled up sleeping bag) You can use it if you ever want to go to an outside event.
Me: An outside event? Like in the winter?
Dad: (Gets up and starts to unroll it) Yeah. I slept in this thing in 40 degree weather. See, you just unroll it and climb in.
Me: Ok.
Dad: It's made of goose down...and this other stuff. (Talking to my roommate, Cori) Cori, you can use it, too. It would be good for an outside event.
Cori: So, it's like a cocoon?
Dad: Yes, like a cocoon.

Grilled Ham & Cheese

I'm making pasta and Dad comes into the kitchen.

Dad: I was just going to offer to make you a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.
Me: Oh?
Dad: It's like grilled cheese......but with ham in it.