My Dad Lives in the Basement.

Dad's Birthday

2010-08-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my dad's 55th birthday. I called him to say, "Happy Birthday." It was a short conversation. His friend Bernie was at the house.

Dad: Bernie's here.
Me: Cool.
Dad: He got me a card. It's PG.
Me: It's PG?
Dad: Well, it would be rated R if you removed the black dots.

Babies.

2009-10-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

My stepsister recently had a little boy. They live with my dad and his wife. He's never been around a baby this much in his entire life.

Dad: I walked over to his crib and he was just laying in there crying, so I said, "Crybaby."

Republican.

2009-08-10T06:32:00.001-07:00

Dad: I'm not a Republican. I just vote like one.

Phoebe.

2009-08-10T06:30:00.000-07:00

Emailed my dad to let him know I'd be stopping by the house on Sunday. I was excited to see my first cat, Phoebe.

Me: Tell Phoebe I'll be there on Sunday.
Dad: She has been informed.

The end.

2009-04-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

Well, he's gone. We had a nice drive to St. Louis.

While listening to Paul Simon, he turned it up and said, "This almost makes me wish I had rhythm." We also listened to a Mitch Hedberg stand-up CD. He enjoyed that as well.

Driving past a bus stop on Western Ave...

Dad: She must be a detective.

Me: That one in the leather jacket?

Dad: Yeah. She's wearing heels. All the female detectives on TV wear heels.

When we got to St. Louis, we went to O'Connell's to eat. I have to say this way the perfect ending to our 10 months together. Sitting in a big wooden booth at my favorite bar in St. Louis, drinking beer and eating burgers with my dad.

Now, I think I may have to start a blog about all the crazy shit my mom says to me on the phone. She had a great line this weekend.

Leaving.

2009-04-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey, Dad. Are you excited for our road trip?
Dad: (sigh) Have you ever really seen me excited?

Yikes!

2009-04-08T07:26:00.001-07:00

Last night I was in the kitchen making dinner. Joe was on his way over. Dad comes in the kitchen, scares the shit out of me, and then sits down to talk about this Paul Simon/Steve Martin audio clip I sent him earlier in the day.

Joe shows up and walks in the kitchen.

Dad: Hi, Joe. (pause) You know, I've known her (me) a lot longer than you. In fact, I bet I've seen her naked more than you have.

Laptop.

2009-04-06T20:48:00.000-07:00

Huey knocked over my Macbook this morning. The screen is fucked. I told Dad about this...

Dad: I think that would make me despondent for about 20 minutes.

It's official.

2009-04-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'm renting a car and moving my dad home to St. Louis on Friday. So, I guess I'll try to get what I can out of him this week.

Yogurt.

2009-04-05T21:07:00.001-07:00

While watching a commercial for Activia.

Dad: What is yogurt? A milk product?

Sad.

2009-04-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

I'm a little sad.

Dad is thinking about moving in with my sister in St. Louis.

Gay.

2009-04-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

We were talking about a woman who didn't age so gracefully.

Dad: I'd hit on me before I'd hit on her.

Me: I think that would make you gay.

Mustache.

2009-04-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

Dad: I shaved my mustache once. (pause) About 30 years ago. (pause) I think I was in high school. (long pause) Or maybe it was 7th grade.

Another.

2009-04-01T21:44:00.001-07:00

Me: Do you need a beer, Dad?
Dad: No. It's a want.

Well, shit.

2009-03-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

Went home with a friend this weekend. And she pulled out this drawing from college. In on quadrant, she was asked to draw the most disgusting thing she could think of.

She drew someone pooping.

I showed this picture to my dad when I got home.

First he said, "I don't think I like Jess anymore."

Then...

Dad: Ok, I've got a story for you. I was camping with a few friends. Mark you know; and Fred you don't know. And they both confessed that they'd put a mirror under their asses to watch themselves poop.
Me: Ugh!!!! Gross!!!!!
Dad: Yeah, can you believe it. Out of the whole world, two guys did that and I know 'em both.

WTF?

Appreciation.

2009-03-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

As I was walking out the door this morning...

Dad: Hey, kid.

Me: Yeah?

Dad: In case I don't say it enough, I really appreciate everything you do for me.

Me: Do you need money?

Dad: No.

Then this afternoon he added me as a Facebook friend.

I love my dad.

Battlestar Galactica

2009-03-22T19:40:00.001-07:00

Friday was the series finale of Battlestar Galactica. My best friend, Jess, came home to find her fiance watching the show without her. He was an hour in, said it was good and told her to watch the rest of it with him. He did not understand what a foul this was.

I told my dad the story.

Dad: How old is he?
Me: He's my age.
Dad: Huh. So his brain is should be fully developed.

Sunday

2009-03-08T09:03:00.000-07:00

Got up this morning.
Made some coffee.
Dad walks in the kitchen.

Dad: You have the day off?
Me: What?
Dad: You took the day off?
Me: It's Sunday.
Dad: No, it's Monday.
Me: No, it's Sunday. (pause) I swear.
Dad: Really?
Me: Yeah. Yesterday was Saturday. I had people over on Friday.
Dad: Huh. I figured this would happen.
Me: Well, you don't have football to tell you what day it is.
Dad: True. And it's not like basketball is going to help me with that.

Breaking Bad.

2009-03-06T07:37:00.000-08:00

Will recommended that I start watching Breaking Bad. I really like it, so I decided to tell Dad about it. Turns out he already watched the first season. We sat and talked about our favorite weird, little scenes and quotes.

He's so cool.

I don't know what he'd do in the basement if he didn't download torrents.

Poor Little Huey.

2009-03-05T17:11:00.001-08:00

I took Huey to get neutered yesterday. He had started trying to mount Jack the cat. Dad, of course, was a little sad about "the castration."

This evening he asked...

Dad: So, what did the vet look like?
Me: I don't know. I took him to this place in the ghetto. The guy that checked to make sure Huey's testicles had dropped was a black guy with curly, oily hair.
Dad: Hmm. Because he won't come near me. I thought maybe the person who did this to him looked like me.

It was so cute. Dad was a little sad that Huey has been avoiding him.

How was your day?

2009-02-17T06:48:00.000-08:00

Dad: How was your day?

Me: It was ok.

Dad: Ask me how my day was.

Me: Dad, how was your day?

Dad: I don't want to talk about it.

(long pause)

Dad: Your stepmom tried to burn the house down.

Turns out the dryer caught fire and she threw water on it.

Also, my pregnant stepsister was beat up again by her husband. Then he ran out...on foot. They think she's going to lose a tooth from it.

Ahh, how I don't miss home.

The Wrestler

2009-02-12T16:58:00.001-08:00

Dad: You know, Joe disappointed me when he recommended The Wrestler.
Me: Oh?
Dad: Yeah, he failed to mention Marisa Tomei is naked in it.

(A few minutes later.)

Dad: Marisa Tomei is 45.
Me: 45? Really?
Dad: She was born in '64. She looks good. (pause) She could've won me.

It's getting to him.

2009-02-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

Dad: I think Wheel of Fortune is getting to me. Remember that puzzle "SHIRTS AND SKINS?" Well, I had a dream the other night. It was about a game called "PANTS AND PANTIES."

Then we exchanged disgusted looks after a maxi pad commercial.

I love my dad.
:)

Painting.

2009-02-07T08:22:00.001-08:00

Last Friday...
Dad: You're staying home on a Friday night to paint?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: I don't want to tell you what to do, but it's Friday night you should go out.

This Friday night...
Dad: What are you doing tonight (pause) paint?
Me: (laughing) No.
Dad: Are you sure? It's Friday night.
Me: No, Jess and Jeff are coming over. We're going out.
Dad: Ahh.

(Several minutes later)

Dad: So, Jess and Jeff are coming over?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: To help you paint?

Sniffling.

2009-02-06T06:47:00.000-08:00

I was standing in the kitchen cleaning off my boots. Dad walks in to get a beer from the fridge.

Me: Are you sniffling?

Dad: Syphilis? I don't want syphilis.

Drinking.

2009-02-02T19:23:00.001-08:00

Dad: I'll only drink as much as I possibly can.

Boyfriends.

2009-01-29T09:44:00.000-08:00

While making dinner last night, Dad was asking about Joe.

Me: Well, he's not my boyfriend. I don't really want a boyfriend right now.

Dad: Yeah, me neither.

A dog.

2009-01-26T21:43:00.001-08:00

Tonight he says to me and Cori...

Dad: Do you guys want a dog?
Me: No. Why?
Dad: Tina (his wife that he left, but has to talk to every day) thinks she might get rid of one of the dogs.
Me: Why don't you ask Ari (my sister) if she wants a dog?

Dad: I wouldn't do that to a dog.

Watching Letterman.

2009-01-26T21:41:00.000-08:00

While watching Letterman tonight, Brian Willams came out.

Dad: Now, he knows how to tie a tie. Do you know how to tie a tie?
Me: No. I tied one once after looking it up on the internet.
Dad: Some guys don't know how to tie a tie. They do it crooked.
(PAUSE)
Dad: I used to have a tie once.

Third time's a charm.

2009-01-26T21:40:00.001-08:00

Again, he told me...

Dad: Nice boots.

I wonder how long this is going to go on.

Butt Licker

2009-01-19T08:39:00.001-08:00

So, all 3 of my cats lick each other's asses. I don't know why they do it, but if they do it in front of me I yell at them. Huey, the youngest has been caught doing it a lot lately. Jack the cat will be laying there trying to sleep and Huey will jump on the bed to lick his butt. Jack gets annoyed and I want to puke.

While watching the AFC championship game last night...

Me: Huey is the worst butt licker ever. I catch him doing it all the time.

Dad: Maybe he's the best butt licker ever. (pause) You're too judgmental.

Little Sweaters

2009-01-18T17:10:00.001-08:00

Dad: When you used to get high, did you ever feel like your teeth had tiny little sweaters on them?
Me: Yes.
Dad: So, it's wasn't just me...

NFC Game

2009-01-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

While watching the NFC Championship game this afternoon, some Eagles player knocked Kurt Warner down after a play.

Dad: I'd like to take his head and shove it up his ass and put him in the trash.

For some reason I really like the "and put him in the trash" part.

Tegan & Sara

2009-01-17T13:03:00.000-08:00

The other day Dad asked who the girl on the fridge magnet was with my haircut. I said, "That's Tegan & Sara. They're the reason I got this haircut."

Then last night while I was making dinner...

Me: This one is Tegan and this one is Sara. They're twins.
Dad: Huh.
Me: They have a band. They're twin lesbians.
Dad: Do they have a website?

Ski Jacket

2009-01-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

I was getting ready to leave for work this morning when my phone rang. I look at it, it says "Dad." I think, "Isn't he in the basement?"

I answer it, and it's him--I can hear him talking right below me. He tells me that he's already been outside today and it's very cold out there. He says he left his extra ski jacket on the coat rack in case I want to wear it over what I'm already wearing.

It was really sweet.

Earlier this week, he got up early to shovel the walkway for me. Then I didn't go to work that day. I'm a horrible daughter. Well, maybe not. I did bring him a 12-pack of High Life the night before.

Awwww.

2009-01-13T19:59:00.001-08:00

Here's another old pic.

Teaching an old man new tricks.

2009-01-13T19:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight the CBS news had a story about the surprising number of people in the United States who have been victims of stalking.

Dad: Hmm...stalking. I haven't tried that.

Bones.

2009-01-11T14:23:00.001-08:00

After watching this promo for the Fox show Bones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkolALAtKnk

Dad said: That looks gay.

Crowning Achievement.

2009-01-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

While watching the Eagles/Giants game this afternoon, Dad and I were talking about getting high.

Dad: I think my crowning achievement was shoving 27 Pringles in my mouth at one time. (pause) Talk about cotton mouth.

Here he is.

2009-01-10T12:36:00.001-08:00

Popcorn

2009-01-07T17:00:00.001-08:00

Dad: Thanks for the popcorn...I'm having fun with it.

Oh, and...

2009-01-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

He told me "nice boots" again.

There was no follow-up insult this time, but I still don't believe he meant it.

Cravings

2009-01-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

I think I've mentioned my dad's cravings before. Here's what he requested from the grocery store this week:

-Carrots

-Frozen Shrimp

-Cheese Popcorn

-Beer (although he said this was for my cat, Huey)

P.S. I've been away for the holidays, but I've returned with old pictures of my dad to scan in. Coming soon!

The Door.

2008-12-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

Even though I spent most of the weekend on the couch, I didn't see my dad that much. The Cowboys lost on Saturday night, so he boycotted football for the rest of the weekend.

Since I have nothing new to report, I thought I'd share one of my favorite stories...

Dad goes out partying with his friends on a Saturday night. In the morning he has to drive Grandma Hays to church because she doesn't know how to drive. They pull up to a stop sign and they both look over to the ditch where my dad's best friend, Roy's car is abandoned and parked.

Grandma Hays turns to Dad and says: David? Why'd you pee on the door last night?

Dad: What door?

Grandma Hays: My bedroom door.

Anchorman

2008-12-20T09:18:00.001-08:00

I'm watching Anchorman.

Dad: This is the only one of his movies I think is funny.
Me: Oh, you've seen it?
Dad: Yeah. He seems to like kissing guys.

Tree

2008-12-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

While trimming dead leaves from a plant in the living room.

Dad: You know a tree has an IQ of 8.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

2008-12-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

Philip Seymour Hoffman was on the Daily Show tonight. He was really fat.

Me: Wow he's really fat. The first movie I saw him in he jacked off and used his come to attach pictures to the wall.
Dad: Huh. Well, he was probably just acting...
Me: Yeah, probably.
Dad: ...at the direction of some pervert.

Ornaments

2008-12-12T17:24:00.000-08:00

I was decorating the tree and showed Dad the ornament I made last year.

Me: This is the ornament I made last year. (pause) It's a vagina.
Dad: I probably would've figured that out eventually......it is one of my favorite things.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

2008-12-12T07:34:00.000-08:00

The original version of The Day the Earth Stood Still is my dad's favorite movie. I've heard the story about the first time he saw it (several times). He was only a few years old at a drive-in with his parents. He remembers standing in the car and leaning over the seat watching the movie.

So, he's been obsessing over this new version for some time now. He was happy to hear when they retooled the robot.

Dad: (in a very "fatherly" tone) So, we need to talk about this weekend...

Me: Ok. (I have no idea where this is going. I think maybe he wants to talk about the ornament decorating party I'm having, but can't figure out why he'd want to talk about that.)

Dad: Friday is when The Day the Earth Stood Still comes out.

Me: Oh, right!

Dad: And I'm wondering how I'll determine if I should see it. I don't like Keanu Reeves......for anything.

Me: Yeah.

Dad: I was thinking, if you have some friends who go see it and they tell you it's good......they're wrong.

Me: (laughs)

Dad: I mean if it's a good as Iron Man, I'll go see it. Because Iron Man was funny. I liked Iron Man. But if it's as good as the Incredible Hulk, I think I'll pass.

Your Mom.

2008-12-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

Dad: You know your mom was 120 lbs. and 6 foot tall when I met her.

(LONG REFLECTIVE PAUSE)

Dad: I think we burned those pictures.

Wheel of Fortune

2008-12-10T17:33:00.000-08:00

Most weeknights I watch Wheel of Fortune with my dad. He doesn't understand Same Name or Before & After puzzles. His commentary this evening went like this.

After the Phase puzzle: A cat has nine lives
Dad: That's not a phrase.

After a Prize puzzle when a girl whens a trip to Cancun.
Dad: Oh, don't go there! That's the only place I've ever been sunburnt...and their TV sucks.

After a Food & Beverage puzzle: Spinach Salad
Dad: What?!? (as though spinach salad isn't real)

At the end of the show one guy didn't solve any puzzles.
Dad: Ha! Too bad you're a dumb ass.

High School

2008-12-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

So, I usually text myself a little message as my dad is telling me a story, in hopes that I'll remember it later and put it up here.

I don't remember the whole story behind this, but I'm sure I'll hear it again later. I believe he was talking about drinking in high school. One guy was really drunk, hanging out the window...

Dad: So, I pulled him back in and he said, "All I could see was the ditch til you grabbed my ass."

News Anchor

2008-12-09T20:32:00.001-08:00

I've tried to find a picture of the news anchorwoman my dad was talking about, but I can't. My whole life he's always talked about symmetrical faces. The distance from your eyes to the top of your head should be the same as the distance from your eyes to your chin. The news anchorwoman did not have this symmetry.

Dad: Look at how far it is to the top of her head.
Me: (Knowing exactly where this is going) Uh huh.
Dad: Someone should tell her she's overstepped her bounds.

Sleeping Bag

2008-12-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I spent all day at the vet with one of my cats. We came home to crash on the couches for a few minutes. My dad was watching TV and was very excited to show us something.

Dad: I was going through my crap.
Me: Uh huh.
Dad: I found that. (Points to rolled up sleeping bag) You can use it if you ever want to go to an outside event.
Me: An outside event? Like in the winter?
Dad: (Gets up and starts to unroll it) Yeah. I slept in this thing in 40 degree weather. See, you just unroll it and climb in.
Me: Ok.
Dad: It's made of goose down...and this other stuff. (Talking to my roommate, Cori) Cori, you can use it, too. It would be good for an outside event.
Cori: So, it's like a cocoon?
Dad: Yes, like a cocoon.

Grilled Ham & Cheese

2008-12-09T20:24:00.001-08:00

I'm making pasta and Dad comes into the kitchen.

Dad: I was just going to offer to make you a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.
Me: Oh?
Dad: It's like grilled cheese......but with ham in it.

Gone.

2008-11-26T16:58:00.001-08:00

Dad: My pervert days are over...gone.

Alphabet.

2008-11-13T18:03:00.001-08:00

Dad: You know, when I was 12 me and this other guy made up our own alphabet so we could pass notes in class.

Cat noise.

2008-11-12T15:40:00.000-08:00

In reference to Jack the Cat (JTC) making too much noise...

Dad: Anyway...I bitch, I complain...that's how I am.

Huey Lewis, #1 Fan.

2008-11-11T07:54:00.000-08:00

Last night over Chinese food my dad tells me (and Joe Kramer, of my post-Second City friendships), "You know, I was one of the first fans of Huey Lewis and the News."

I'm sure I had a confused look on my face because I'd never heard him say this before. And we talk about Huey Lewis and the News a lot. Yes, seriously.

JK: What do you mean? Weren't they a bar band first?

(I shot Joe a look, like "please don't question him.")

Dad: No, I mean I was one of his very first fans. Well...me and this other guy. We had their first album, Picture This. We were on a trip and we walked into a Penny's.

JK: Like a JC Penny's?

Dad: Yeah, you could do that back then. We asked the girl there, "What's a good album?" And she said, "Huey Lewis and the News." So, we bought it. And she was right. We listened to that album for the whole trip, for two weeks straight. We wore the tape out.

____________

I'd also like to note that upon first meeting, my dad usually doesn't say much.

When he met my college friend, Lee:

Lee: Hi, I'm Lee.

Dad: Decent name.

However, he talked in front of Joe a lot last night. It was kind of strange. He talked just slightly less than he was talking before Joe arrived. Maybe the combination of Monday Night Football, Chinese Food and the Champagne of Beers brought it out of him.

Living situation.

2008-11-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

Dad: You know it's kind of funny that I'm here.
Me: Yeah?
Dad: Yeah, it's a little odd.

Boots.

2008-11-10T17:00:00.001-08:00

Today I wore skinny jeans tucked inside my new knee-high black boots.

Dad: Nice boots.
Me: Thanks!
Dad: I didn't mean that.
Me: Right.

Monsters & Farts

2008-11-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

While watching Hellboy, Dad says, "Why do monsters have to be slimey? Everythings gotta drip. Can't there be dry bad guys?"

After Huey (my kitten) farts:
Dad: "You know, the average person farts 14 times a day."
Me: "Huh."
Dad: "I heard that on Oprah."

Shoulder Ride.

2008-11-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I sat down to watch Two and A Half Men with my dad. I hate to admit this show cracks me up, but it does. I was telling him about the Obama Rally.

I said, "Jess climbed up on top of Jeff's shoulders and took pictures of the crowd."

He said, "Huh."

I said, "It was so neat just being there--"

He interrupted with, "Last time I had a girl on my shoulders...she was naked......"

I replied, "Ha!"

Then he said, "Come to think of it, I was naked, too."

Ahh, these are the conversations I have with my dad. No fucking wonder.

I'm 29 and my dad lives in the basement.

2008-11-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

My dad left his wife and came for a visit. That was in July. He hasn't left yet.